Madame Web

Possibly one of my favourite cinema experiences ever. I saw this in 4DX with some friends - which is the ONLY way to watch this masterpiece.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. Just a sheer abomination of a movie in all ways. Not a single piece of filmmaking in this movie was competent. I swear the only thing I truly liked was her jacket. It’s a good jacket.

However despite being a complete train wreck of a film, I had so much fun. Whether it was the absolutely horrific line delivery of nearly every single line by every single actor, the disturbing amount of ADR which is so glaringly obvious when you watch an actor’s mouth move completely differently to what you’re hearing, the genuinely worse dialogue I’ve ever heard written or the complete change in directing from scene to scene - why is the start and end of this film shot like Succession?

Possibly the worst editing I’ve ever seen in a film, truly just a mess and really hard to understand what’s going on in parts. One of the worst audio mixes I’ve ever heard, spaces of complete silence, audio levels of songs so poorly done and LINES SPOKEN WHICH DONT MATCH ACTORS MOUTHS. I feel the need to point this out again given it’s a film with a huge budget from a large studio.

The whole thing just felt like nobody gave a shit. I honestly think this made for such a fun experience but as a movie it genuinely might be some of the worst filmmaking ever put to screen.

In a film full of bad performances - which a lot honestly comes down more to the god awful script and less the actors - one of the worst performances from an actor ever in Ezekiel. 

So many baffling scenes which had me stifling laughter - for some reason people in the cinema were taking this shit seriously - so I would like to present a list of some of my favourite moments:

• Succession like zooms
• the “Baby Girl” characterisation of Sydney Sweeney might actually be some of the worst and most blatant male gaze writing in a superhero movie - which is truly saying something
• entire diner scene and the girls dancing on a table to impress boys while they’re being hunted for murder
• the reaction of the NSA woman after she’s told the man who she’s slept with wants to go kill teenagers
• Madame Web abducting children and then being able to leave the country and is also just never questioned even when she’s with the girls at the end
• Madame Web busting though a building with an ambulance and is all good
• Madame Web’s final power and the entire final scene, just INSANE
• those glasses
• CPR scene - perhaps the most uncomfortable scene I’ve ever scene
• baby shower scene - gives CPR scene a good challenge for most uncomfortable scene
• perhaps just every line Dakota says
• math girl’s t-shirt
• line read Madame Web has “you did it”
• how awfully Madame Web is characterised
• her building being covered by photoshopped Beyoncé’s dangerously in love
• pepsi in every scene
• with great power comes great responsibility line

I hated so much but man I adored so much